Monday, December 20, 2010

My feelings, I do have them

My last blog post was written in somewhat of a hasty manner. I don’t like much attention and I don’t like having to explain things umpteen million times. Thus, I wrote the blog post about what was happening on Friday as more of an “informative” post.

This will be more of the “insightful” post.

I’ve had a few days to think things over. The first thing I can tell you is that the daytime is easier than the nighttime. I suppose it’s because daytime keeps you busy enough to where you don’t have much time to stop and think. And even though it’s the more solemn time of day, there’s also something magical about the night too. It’s the only time Chris and I can lay there, hand in hand, face to face- whatever, and check-up on one another. Even though the physical portion of the miscarriage and D&C happened to me, I can’t forget that he shares in the emotional portion. We are both a little more emotional at night. It’s almost a simultaneous event- my head hits the pillow and a small tear (or many large ones) emerge from my tired eyes. Chris posed the question the other night, “Why do things like this have to happen?” I wish I knew the answer. All that I know is that our God still loves us the same as He did Friday morning before the appointment and that we have to trust in His decisions- however much we want to disagree.

Something I else I want to say is that I’m not as stoic as the blog sounded on Friday. I often have a tendency to get all the facts out, and then think about them, and finally display some emotions because of them. I WAS very sad, today I AM not as sad, but I MIGHT ALWAYS be a little sad. In the short month and a half that we knew about this baby we had started planning; thinking of how we’d transform the guest bedroom into Emmy’s big girl room, decided on names, looked at double strollers, received a baby gift…..ya know, all the things you do when you are expecting. It was easy to shift my mindset to having a new baby join us, it’s much harder to shift back. I would give anything to be pregnant with indigestion, 4am trips to the bathroom, and overwhelming exhaustion at the end of the day- but I know it just wasn’t meant to be.

The other realization Chris and I now have is that our daughter is such a MIRACLE. You think that since female mammals are equipped with these bodies to reproduce that it should be easy. IT’S NOT! My pregnancy with Emmy was not a breeze, and there was a small risk of premature labor because of my effacement issues. In talking to so many women about their pregnancies, it really is hard to find ones that were simply flawless. Every baby that is born is a miracle, that’s why the careless and irresponsible abortion just makes my stomach turn (but that is a subject deserving of its very own post).

Lastly, I want to thank you all for your out pouring of love. Your words, whether they were in person, over the phone, through an email, blog comment, facebook post, or text message meant the world to me. So many people offered food, company and help I am so lucky to have such an amazing support system. I have no doubt in my mind that prayers for the procedure and my body were received and answered. I couldn’t have asked for a better recovery. I amazed my nurses at my ability to function so quickly after the D&C.

The healing process has made much progress in just a few short days. I am very lucky that we were able to get into the OR Friday afternoon. Really, the physical healing is practically complete. As far as emotional healing- it’s going well too. Chris and I are focusing ourselves on each other and Emmy. We want to make sure we get all the spoiling in that is possible before we try again, and hopefully make her a big sister. Chris and I thank you for your prayers thus far, and we ask that you continue to pray for us. Mainly, we need continued peace over the situation and will need peace when we decide to try again. I can only imagine how hard the first 12 weeks of the next pregnancy will be. Again, thank you for your love. We are blessed beyond words.

I'll leave you with a picture of my baby who had an amazingly strong heart (175 beats per minute) but just wasn't compatible with further development. I am sad that our plans did not come to fruition, but also glad that the baby ( who I still think was a boy) never had to experience anything crummy in its life.


  1. I agree - having a healthy baby is such a blessing and a miracle. It was a hard decision for Matt and I to have a baby b/c my brother had passed away 3 years ago from a life long battle with cerebral palsy and scoliosis. Watching my parents lose their son was the hardest thing...the fear just sat with me...whether I could handle if I had a disabled child, what if something happened during pregnancy with the baby...with me...I feel sometimes people thoughtlessly decide sometimes to have a baby and don't ask themselves the hard questions..."will I be able to handle if...?" It took a lot of prayer and talks with Tracy to help me realize that whatever happens, God will provide me with the support and strength I need. Sorry, not to get all personal I know we barely know each other, :)

  2. You've brought tears to my eyes. You are a very strong woman, Jordan, and it's good to "see" your feelings too. I will continue to keep you and Chris in my prayers.

  3. You, Chris, and Emmy have been on my mind and in my prayers. When I was younger, I thought that child-bearing was easy-breezy, but I've since learned that unfortunately that isn't true. I love what you said, that God loves you just as much today as He did Friday morning. Sometimes it's so hard to understand why we have to go through the things we do, but God's plan is bigger and better. And I know you know that. {Hugs}

  4. Your post brings me back to those days soon after we found out about our lost's shock and then just sadness over everything that could have been. The grieving process over a child whether you met him face to face or not is not an easy one and you just wish you could understand why and what went wrong. I believe that later on in life the Lord will reveal his great plan and it will all be clear, but until then we just have to hold on to our faith and trust in Him. And what a glorious day it will be when we are reunited with our babies in Heaven! Keep shedding those tears as much as you need...I shed about a million of them and still do from time to time even after the 3 months...keep your head up and if you need to talk or cry or anything with someone who knows exactly what you're going know where I am! :)
    Lots of Love,

  5. So sorry you guys are going through this! Praying for you guys!!! Everything happens for a reason, although it sure is hard to understand why at times!

    "No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it."
    1 Corinthians 10:13

    1. Nicole,

      Hopefully you see this. Knowing now what you and Andrew went through, I appreciate this comment so much more. Thank you!


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