Monday, November 14, 2011

full cycle

As I sat there in my hospital bed, the chaplain having just prayed over me, the sweet nurse who was trying to give me a bit of hope said "There are so many women who have gone through what you are going through right now and we see them back here within a year.  It'll happen again for you".  

I had a few more minutes with family and was then wheeled back to the OR room for a d&c. Sad should have been the primary feeling, but I found myself a little numb. That's just what I do in highly emotional situations.  My mind tries to process the logistics before I move onto emotions.  It wasn't until a few nights later (when all visitors had returned back home) that it hit me.  

I was sad.  I was confused.  I was empty.  I was angry.

Being a Christian, I would like to say that at this point I drowned myself in scripture, but I didn't.  I would like to say that I spent so much time on my knees in prayer, but I didn't do that either.  I had traveled through dim valleys before, but after this miscarriage- I found myself in the darkest valley yet. At this point all I could do was ask others for prayer.  Thank the Lord for those prayer warriors who were able to lift me up when I couldn't do it for myself.  

Hope slowly returned into my life.  I remembered the nurse telling me of all the women who returned within a year, and I started holding out hope that my story would follow suit.  If I were to be returning within that 365 day period, I needed to deliver a full term baby by Dec 17, 2011.  For those who have ever walked this road before, that means I needed a positive test by mid-April.  Well, mid-April rolled around and much to my surprise......A POSITIVE TEST!  But the feeling of victory and hope was short lived.  Another miscarriage.  The pregnancy didn't even last long enough to get to the doctor's office to hear a sweet heartbeat.

What was wrong with my body?  

I fell back into a really bad place.  Not exactly bitter at those around me who were experiencing the joy of pregnancy and new life, but just feeling sorry for myself.  I don't know...maybe I was bitter, but what an awful admission of self.

Eventually, just as before, my hope returned.  It returned just in time to grieve again.  June 27.  The day I was to have had a baby.  I think the anticipation of the day was much worse than the actual day.  Thank goodness.

So here we are now.  I found out I was pregnant in mid-July.  It means that I got pregnant just days after the expected due date.  I am pregnant, and I am so extremely grateful.  But I cannot sit here and say that it was easy to get to this point.  Throughout the journey, I never ceased to believe in God or His plans for the Sanders' family of 3.  I just couldn't understand.  Chris and I asked the age old question, "Why do bad things happen to good people?".  The answer did not show itself immediately.  And for awhile, I couldn't even get past the tears to even think about the answer.  

We have come full cycle and now I know these things (not saying I understand).
1.  God knew that Chris and Jordan Sanders needed to experience going through the due date without being pregnant again.
2.  There are some amazing Christian women whose outreach saved me many times.
3.  I now have the opportunity to be a #2 on the list.  
4.  Sharing joy is so much sweeter than sharing grief.  But it's in sharing grief with one another that relationships grow.

There is so much more that I have learned.  I am better friend now.  I appreciate small victories much more now.  I believe so much more in God's faithfulness.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not

As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness Lord, unto me!

Emmy baby

Sweet heaven baby

baby whose name means "light"
(PS: I promise I'll reveal the name after we tell our families.  We decided today on the spelling)

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